Last Exit - Austin Sessions

Last week I took my kid to watch Dawn of the Planet of the Apes at the Alamo Drafthouse. It was 5:10 on a Friday. The theater had around 15 people or so. Mmmaybe 20. Ideal conditions for a perfect theater experience. No kids, no clapping, no servers going back and forth. We ordered some popcorn, a 512 Pecan Porter for me, and a Dr. Pepper for him. Perfect.

Two older women, maybe in their mid-50s, were seated to my left. One seat separated us. They each had one full and one empty bottle of Bud Light perched in front of them. Warning sign #1. About 5 minutes after we ordered, the drunken laughter began. Warning sign #2. The first preview started and I looked over at them, and they thankfully quieted down. About 16 seconds later the commentary started. Although there was an empty seat that separated us, they may have well been talking to us. They were that loud.

If you've been to the Drafthouse, you know that throughout the preprogrammed content they sprinkle “DO NOT TALK DURING THE MOVIE" segments every few minutes. For Planet of the Apes, they had a great one with (appropriately) Gary Oldman.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and told myself that they would probably stop once the movie got going. Still…I love the previews. When I was younger, I would sit through a crappy movie just because I knew there was a specific trailer before it. I’m looking at you Episode I (who knew). I was hopeful that the talking would subside once the Sin City 2 trailer kicked in. Sorry Robert. These ladies could give two nuggets for anything Frank Miller.

My kid and I had a similar experience at a matinee showing of the first Hunger Games. Granted, it wasn’t at one of Alamo’s fine establishments. It was at a dollar theater. That experience involved 5-6yr old kids asking their mom about everything happening on screen. EVERYTHING. "Why is she shooting the apples with the arrows?" "Why are the kids killing each other?" “I’m scaaaared!” "Can I look now?" Also, who the hell takes kids that young to see the Hunger Games? I mean...possibly me. The difference? The minute my kid started talking, I'd shut that shit down. Quick. “Shut up and close your eyes if you’re scared!” That’s what I’d say.

But these two...these Bud Light drinking, raspy voiced squawkers…. these haggard, leather faced harpies. These stuck up...half witted...scruffy lookin’....

The previews ended. The last “SHUT UP CAUSE THE MOVIE IS STARTING” sign is flashed on the screen in big red fucking letters. The pre-credits roll…and the movie begins. The harpies grow silent. Yessss. 36 seconds later the talking and cackling starts up again. Goddammit.  I turn around to the 4 or 5 people behind us pleading with my eyes. I send them my thoughts as violently as possibly.  Do you guys hear this?? Aren’t you mad too!? Blink once for yes, two for no!  They keep watching the movie, somehow ignoring the honks and caws of my neighbors. Finally, I decide to try a tactic I’ve heard comedian Matt Bearden talk about. The Stare. I attempt to burn a hole into their ugly faces with my invisible laser beam eyes. The one closest to me looks at me with a sideways glance...never turning her head. But she sees me. And she knows. And I know that she knows. She quiets down, but her friend persists. She explains how she thinks the movie won’t be as good because James Franco isn’t in this one. I turn and look at my kid. He’s staring at me. Eyes also pleading...but to me. Help me. Don’t let this be Hunger Games all over again his eyes say.  I gather my courage, take another deep breath, and promptly fill out a “complaint card” for the server. This will not stand. This aggression will not stand. Our awesome server comes over and grabs my whine-scribbled complaint card. She reads it, nods at me, whispers “I’ll have this taken care of.” And with a smile she was gone.

Almost immediately my neighbors shut up. I’m not sure if they recognised the order that I had just placed, or maybe their couth finally kicked in. Either way they were silent. The Alamo staff must have known this because of instead of a warning for them, my kid and I got an extra tub of popcorn. Almost as if it was a reward for not sucker punching our now muted friends. Thankfully, they were silent for almost the whole movie...almost the whole movie...almost the whole movie… Naturally, during the climax of Apes….the finale….the zeeenith….they started up again. Much like a couple of daft toddlers, they decided to try and guess how the movie would end. Who would kill who? Who would live?? Who would die?! This is when I finally broke. Very politely, I lean over and calmly but firmly say: “SHUT UP.” The nearest harpy gives me a shocked look and whispers, “I’m sorry!” Abruptly, an iron curtain of silence fills the void between us. The only thing left is the shouting of CGI monkeys fighting atop a tower, incredibly. The movie concludes and the credits start to roll.

I chance a look to my left as the lights come up.

The woman sitting closest is staring at me. Her friend, slightly hidden, peeks around her shoulder slyly smiling. The closer woman leans over to me and the following words spew forth from her gaping hole: “I’m sorry we were talking during the movie (victory!) but you are a disrespectful punk.”  Wait, what? That’s not victory. That’s...that’s...wait, what? A punk? Who are you, my dad?

The four of us slowly stand up as I release my safety vent valve. I’ll use all caps here for effect. 

“I’M DISRESPECTFUL? YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE IN HERE. YOU’RE LUCKY I DIDN’T HAVE THE MANAGER KICK YOU OUT DURING THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. (“I wish you had,” she eeks.) IF YOU ASK ANYONE AROUND YOU THEY’LL SAY THE SAME THING (bluff). SERIOUSLY? I’M DISRESPECTFUL?”

Horrified, she looks around the theater, starts shuffling her feet and asks her friend “Are you ready? How do we get out of here?”  Still drunk, they start looking for the way they came in. Arm extended, I point to the exit sign above the door that leads to the parking lot and say:

“LEAVE THAT WAY. THAT’S WHAT I WOULD DO.”

Without a word and without looking back, they walked through the door with the exit sign above it that leads to the parking lot. From there, I assume they flew off to their harpy nests located undoubtedly somewhere around the lake.

Moontower Comedy Festival (part 2) - Austin Sessions

Thursday 

Considering I took Thursday and Friday off I got a slower start than I had hoped for our second day at Moontower. I met Taylor at the SFA bar and we made our way across the street to the Hideout Theatre. Just out front, we ran into an old friend and former Austin Sessions guest, Kevin Gant. Guitar in hand, he greeted us with a warm hello and we chatted a little about Twitter stuff and Jay Duplass' upcoming project. (For more background about Kevin & Jay click here) Kevin told me that he does pretty well performing on that specific corner, so I left him to do his thing and we walked over to the Hideout. This was my first time in this cool little venue and I was extremely happy to find some Austin Beerworks to kick the night off properly. I was also pretty excited when we walked in and pretty much had our pick of choice seats. It was kind of a tight fit, the seats were a little weird and slouchy, and it didn't feel like the AC was doing a lot for us but hey...that's what the beer was for. 

The show kicked off with a projector screen showing some video clips from Inside Joke, Moontower's video diary, and a some festival announcements. Ralph Hardesty, who is a teacher by day and awesome funny, started his hosting duties by letting the crowd know that we were attending the gay themed Switch show. I'm still not quite sure how Switch describes a show that features 90% gay comics. Four Eyes, I get. Austin Towers, I get that too. Switch? I'm sure I'll get emails and/or tweets explaining my ignorance. (sorry)

Opening the show was the terrific Jackie Kashian, who for the record, is not gay. This is Jackie's third appearance at Moontower and she made her Conan debut last year. Her podcast, The Dork Forest, features guests sharing their favorite obsessions. She was outstanding. I highly recommend her next time she's in town. Next up was Cameron Esposito, a comic who likened herself to a Thundercat which immediately won me over. Cameron has been a guest on Late Late with Craig Ferguson and was told by Jay Leno, "You're the future." She also has a couple podcasts called Put Your Hands Together and Wham Bam Pow. 

Daniel Webb is part musician, part comedian, and completely hilarious. He was encouraged to start stand-up about a year ago by the aforementioned Hardesty. His set was a non-stop, adrenalized train that didn't give you a chance to memorize any of the bits to regurgitate later. Erin Foley took the stage as about half a dozen people decided it was the perfect chance to take a restroom break. She chided them for "leaving" during her set with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Erin opened for Maria Bamford at the Paramount and was kind enough be a guest on our podcast. Speaking of podcasts, you can download and listen to Erin on the Sports Without Balls podcast. 

We were lucky enough to see James Adomian two days in a row. It was interesting to see how he used small pieces of bits from the previous set we'd seen, and then transform them into different jokes. Again, he was amazing. Jen Kober closed the show out with an endearing southern accent explaining why she can relate to men when it comes to dealing with women. You can look for Kober on The Mindy Project and Anger Management and she also has a scene with Robert Deniro in the movie The Grudge Match. 

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After the Switch show we headed over to Speakeasy for the next Four Eyes show. I was trying to remember if we grabbed a bite to eat on the way but by now, it's all a blur. It was probably something healthy and nutritious to compliment the beer.  Andy Kindler, this time hosting, took the stage to rev the crowd up for some bad ass comics.

Rory Scovel took the stage with an almost completely different set we'd seen the night before. There was a small bit of overlap with minor tweaks but this guy is so funny it didn't matter. Next up, Kurt Braunohler took the stage and within a minute started riffing about the Fleshlight that was in the gift bag that Moontower supplied to all comics. He brought the gag gift with him, took it out of his back pocket, and literally deconstructed it on stage. He then proceeded to stretch in inner (vagina wall?) soft plastic over his microphone like some sort of terrible protective sheath and did the rest of his set talking into a vulva. The crowd ate it up. (sorry) Much to the next comic's relief, and after some manhandling, Braunohler took what left of his mic cover and left the stage swinging it around.

Following the sheath incident, Beth Stelling came to the stage having to deal with what sounded like a microphone that was starting to short out. Damn you Fleshlight! She looked a little annoyed but slid into her set with her subdued, precise voice and got the crowd back on firm footing. Beth, one of Patton Oswalt's favorite up-and-coming comics, has recently been on Chris Hardwick's @Midnight, and has performed on Conan. The aptly named Pitbull of Comedy, Bobby Slayton, took the stage next. After riffing for a few minutes, he started with his actual material then quickly changed gears to crowd work. His main focus... two guys who were unlucky enough to have sat in the front row and not been smiling. The rest of his set consisted of him picking through the crowd and meticulously sniping at different audience members. It was hilariously brutal. I'm pretty sure he ran over his time but really....who's gonna argue with him? 

Billy D. Washington calmly walked out and took on a demeanor that filled the vacuum of the previous comic who had just left the stage. He set was cool, methodical, and relaxed. He has some great bits about "reverse racism" that were awesome. He's been on Late Late with Craig Ferguson and Last Comic standing. Considering he's from Houston, I was a little disappointed I was just now finding out about this guy. Next up, we had the oppurtunity to see the amazing Dana Gould. I had heard he's one of the funniest comics ever from several comedians throughout the various podcasts I listen to and...it...is...true. It's all true. He has a bit about monkeys that had me almost crying. If you ever get a chance to see him, don't hesitate. You can also check out his podcast, The Dana Gould Hour. 

Nick Thune, who at first glance I thought looked remarkably like Wil Wheaton, closed the show out with a smoothly paced set that involved a fantastic bit about hunting for baby penis. Yes, you read that right. Nick's been on Conan, The Late Show w/Jimmy Fallon, and has appeared on The Tonight Show eight times. He's also had roles in Knocked Up and Unaccompanied Minors. His comedy special Folk Hero is currently on Netflix and iTunes. 

To see an extended set of pics from the shows click here and here. 

Moontower Comedy Festival (part 1) - Austin Sessions

Wednesday

As I type this in the Stephen F's Bar and Terrace a little after midnight, I look up in any direction to see amazing comics. Brad Williams is chilling with Godfrey a few tables away. Dom Irrera is at the bar having a drink. Rory Scovel is darting between a crowd of people. Ari Shafir is in the corner laughing, talking to some fans. To top it off, sprinkled throughout the bar are the familiar faces of Austin comics chatting it up and having a blast. Honestly, it's pretty surreal.

Taylor and I kicked off the first night of Moontower by grabbing a slice of pepperoni pizza and a beer at the Jackelope. Our first show of the night was the Four Eyes show at the Parish hosted by the hard working Kerri Lendo. Kerri is somehow cramming in hosting Moontower shows, interviewing comedians for Inside Joke with co-host John Merriman, and performing. 

Opening the show was veteran comic Andy Kindler (Everybody Loves Raymond, Bob’s Bugers, Dr. Katz). Pretty sure he was riffing about 70% of his set and it was solid. Next up was Mike Lawrence, a comic I've heard on plenty of podcasts (like WTF w/Marc Maron), as well as hosting his own Nerd of Mouth podcast. You also might’ve caught him on @midnight or his appearance on Conan. Hilarious.

Nick Mullen, who I'd met earlier in the evening and used to live in Austin, blew my mind. His bits about 9-11 conspiracies and elderly people needing technical support killed! The funny Sara Schaefer followed up with a fantastic set. She’s been on Last Call with Carson Daly, Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell, and Inside Amy Schumer. 

Rory Scovel took the stage screaming Shut up! Shut your mouths! "SHUT UP!!  SHUT….UP!! SHUT THE F-"....you get the idea. This was a comic I’d been looking forward to and I wasn’t disappointed. He’s been on @midnight and can be seen on TBS's Ground Floor. Next was Ari Shaffir, doing a bit about zombies eating dicks that had the crowd rolling. I’d never heard any of his stand-up previously but he was great! He did a Reddit AMA last year that was awesome and hosts his Skeptic Tank podcast.  

Closing the show was James Adomian, another comic I was super excited to see. Mike, a friend of mine, turned me onto Scott Auckerman’s Comedy Bang Bang podcast a while back. Adomian is a regular on the show doing amazing impersonations of George W. Bush, Jessie Ventura, Paul Giamatti and several more. If you listen to podcasts and love comedy, Adomian on Comedy Bang Bang is a must. 

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For the second show of the night we didn’t have to go far. From the Parish, to the Parish Underground, we made the arduous walk downstairs. The hilarious Doug Mellard hosted the Austin Towers show featuring local comics. In case you hadn’t figured it out, all the shows at Moontower are themed except for the headliners. Four Eyes = comics with glasses. Austin Towers = Austin based comics. Etc, etc… This show had a bit of an electrical charge leading up to the opener.

Comedian Kat Ramzinski was the first comic up. Kat was brutally mugged three days prior to her Moontower performance and plugged the tragedy straight into her stand-up set. She told me it took her a little over a day to figure out the material, the whole time wondering if she would even be able to do it without crying. The verdict? She crushed. The balcony above her was filled with her fellow comics watching her with pride, support, and love. I’m totally projecting that onto the comics that were watching but if I’m wrong they can write me.

The current Funniest Person in Austin, Mac Blake, followed Ramzinski with a solid set. The co-host of Jazz Cigarette (and former Austin Sessions guest) got some great laughs with his futuristic sexable tv bit and his t-shirt cannon bit.  Matt Bearden, the creator and host of Punch! (a weekly comedy show at Cap City Comedy Club) sauntered out for his set carrying a bag of Beanitos, then proceeded to pass them out to the audience. Bearden, also a former guest, was juggling Moontower performances, hosting duties and somehow getting up and doing his early morning radio gig. Bravo sir.

The timid acting Derek Phelps, a finalist for Funniest Person in Austin, took the stage next. I'd never seen any of his stuff but it was a great surprise. Funny guy. Phelps, also an accomplished musician, has performed on David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jools Holland and more. He’s also performed comedy at Fun Fun Fun Fest. Next up was Brian Gaar. I recently heard Brian on a Statesman Shots podcast and was happy to get a chance to see him perform. Along with performing comedy, Gaar works for the Austin American Statesman as a business reporter. John Ramsey took the stage next with a clean set that was incredibly funny. John has performed at Live at Gotham, HBO’s USA Comedy Arts Festival, and has headlined at Cap City. On top of all that, he’s also an attorney.

The terrifically nice Mike MacRae closed the show with an energetic set sprinkled with brilliant impressions. I briefly met Mike at the very packed Stephen F’s Bar while his hands were full eating a slice of pizza. I extended an invitation to guest on the podcast and gave him my card by awkwardly sliding it into his back pocket. MaCrae’s impressive list of credits include performing on David Letterman, Frank TV, Premium blend, Montreal’s Just for Laughs Comedy Festival and so much more.

To see an extended set of pics from the shows, click here and here! 

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